Month: August 2016

My Embarrassments

I know its been a very long time since I posted anything. I’ve been having a lot of issues and I’ve been isolating a lot.

Work is stressful but in a good way? I’ve learned a lot about myself and how far I will go to help someone. Even if like today it means being hit in the face with a lunch box, having my glasses ripped off my face and in the end this person hugged me and apologized. Which is the biggest mile stone accomplishment I have seen in her since I started 4 months ago. I honestly and truly love my job. But I have been having some serious personal issues.

My anxiety has been borderline explosive lately. And it is related to a condition I have called hyperhidrosis. Its is a disorder that causes excessive sweating. For most it will be underarms, feet and hands. Its started a few years ago with my underarms. I have a prescription based antiperspirant that works wonders, I use it twice a week and have no issues. But in the past year its now moved to my face and scalp. I will literally drip sweat from my face. Like it pools on the floor if I hang my head. With in minutes my hair is soaked. I look as though I just stepped out of the shower. Honestly I get out of the shower and I’m sweating. My office building is air conditioned to the point where my co workers wear hoodies, I have a fan at my desk. But I’m not always at my desk. I may be assisting an individual eating lunch, maybe assisting with toileting. I felt so bad for the lady I helped use the bathroom today. She non verbal but she looked at me with such a mix of disgust and sadness as I assisted her with getting re dressed. I felt disgusting. This is a daily issue I feel.

When the girls at work invite me to have drinks on a Friday after work its takes all of my courage to say yes as I know how I appear. Sometimes I think they are doing it just to be nice. But I feel like a freak. I’ve been invited to a co workers house this weekend for a cookout get together and I’m afraid to go and be embarrassed by my sweating. Seriously I feel like a sideshow attraction. No one has ever said anything to me except am I ok. I do my best to brush it off with humor and a joke about my weight. I make jabs at myself to keep others from doing it to me. I hate this.

There is a guy I really like that I’ve sorta been seeing and he has been so great about it. When we hang out in my room, I have the AC going and a box fan. He without complainant just curls up under my blankets and doesn’t say a word. He knows how sensitive I am about it. He even blasts the ac in his car for me. He is so thin do to having muscle dystrophy, but he ignores his own issues to make me feel ok. And that makes me feel worse. I see how cold he is. How much the cold causes him pain. But he still does it for me. I just want to feel normal. I’ve tried Primrose for the sweating treating it like early menopause. I’ve discussed surgery to cut the seat glands but I don’t want to force myself then to sweat on my lower back as that is the main side effect of said surgery.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wear dark colors as to not show my sweating. I try to hide in hoodies in the winter. I even shave half my head to keep cool as my hair is so thick. I have shaved half my head. 2 inches from ears down the underneath of my hair is buzzed and when I wear my hair down you would never even know I’m missing that much hair. But I always wear my hair up as it is easier to hide how wet it is. I just dont know what to do anymore. I want to hide all the time. I dont know if I will attend to this outing over the weekend. I will likely confide in the person whose house it is at and that I feel the most connected with at work. We joke all the time that she is my twin, and that I will be her in 25 years. And I pray that I am. She took to me as soon as I was hired. She showed me how to work with the individuals, to understand how they communicate in their own ways. Helps me when I cant understand what someone may be saying. She is compassionate and just amazing all around. I have never felt so close to a co worker before. I know I can trust her with telling her this. I’m just scared to say it allowed to someone in person.

And that is where I stand today. I will try and update this more. I dont know if anyone actually reads this. If you do, would you do my a great favor and leave me a message that you do and if I should keep posting. No feelings will be hurt if you say nothing. I will just keep my writing private on my computer.

Thank you.