Month: April 2016

Believe you are enough

So today was my first actual day at my job. The past week I was in training. I can not discuss my job much because of HIPPA laws. But I work in a day rehab for individuals with developmental disorders. So someone could have down syndrome, or be autistic, maybe they have cerebral palsy. They also may have mental health issues as well or not at all. The same individuals will come in everyday. I felt so comfortable there today. The staff members are so lovely, the individuals are so amazing as well. I was kind of on my  own today jut because there was so much going on today. So I really got to spend more time with the individuals that come in. I had a 20 min chat with someone about my cats. One who is so shy and does not like new people at all said hi to me and said I looked pretty. Despite some behavioral issues that came up today the day was great.

I felt like I was enough today.

I felt like everyone was glad I was hired, My coworkers are funny and love to joke around. No one is cranky, or mean. There was such a happy vibe in that place today. And I loved every second of it. I felt good to be enough. My most recent ex boyfriend once told me “Perhaps you’re not used to being enough, but you’re enough for me.” Well I wasn’t enough for him but those words always loomed in my head. The idea that I could be enough for someone. I have always brushed it away, but as I clocked out for the day, I felt the words and embarrassed them. I can in fact be enough for something today, and perhaps someday I will be enough for someone. But today was a good day. And i needed a good day.

Trust your heart, its not always lying to you….

 

Adulting

So I start my new job on Monday.I’ve been quite with posting caz’ I’m scared. What if I fuck this job up too. What if I cant handle the stress…what if, what if, what if.

What ifs will someday be my undoing. I keep trying to remember what a good friend told me. “You can do the thing, you can get the job. You can do anything.” She told me that right before they hired me. I know in my heart I can do this. But the nagging of failure is louder at this moment. I’ve spent the past few days trying to get prepared for this and its not been great. not awful, but not great either. When my mom gets home I’ll sit and have a chat with her. Shes always there for me. And can comfort me well. My dad is too, but in different ways. When he comforts me its more of a “you got this, dont worry about it, youll be fine, your tough” where my mom will be more gentle and soft with her words. I’ll need my dad tomorrow, today i need my mom.

Also my birthday is right around the corner and I’ll actually be 30. April is a tough month for a multitude of reasons. most I wish not to talk about. I have the right people to do that with. Right now I’m trying to take it a few hours at a time. And remember that I am not alone. I think today will be a cuddle pile of cats in my bed watching Dr Who. I need me an angry Scotsman to help the day pass. Also Pickles is demanding I cuddle. ANd this is a face i cant say no to.

Pickles