I have limitations. I do not like them. I wish I could fix what hinders me, but I can not. They are both mental and physical. And you think the one I can touch would be the hardest, but its not. I accept my bi-polar, and my anxiety. I understand them, I respect my good and bad days. Its the physical I can’t deal with.

I have serve back issues. Laundry can floor me, climbing stairs. I have to pick something up as if its a heavy box, if I just lean over I strain my back. Which sends spasms down my spine. I have re injured my back to the point where I could not control my um bathroom needs. I think that’s a polite way to put it. Oh and I was in public. It was a horrifying experience and I’m grateful I have friends who don’t fear what may get on their car seats. Yay for mom friends. My injuries started when I was 19, And they have only gotten worse. These past 11 years I have tried desperately to appear as nothing is wrong with me. I mean for the first 4-5 years I was heavily addicted to opiates and the pain only flickered in like a candle flame.When it hit, I’d just shoot an extra bag, take an extra pill etc. Now I don’t have those things. There is nothing to take the pain away. And in those first years I did not take care of myself. Sleeping on park benches is not good for your back. And now I’m left with the damage I’ve induced upon myself.

I don’t qualify for surgeries, I currently don’t have a primary doctor, Which means its nearly impossible to get into some kind of pain treatment center, let alone physically therapy. Oh and no health insurance. I’m not trying to whine or obtain sympathy, I just feel weak. I was moping the kitchen floor just now, with a steam mop mind you. I moved 2 chairs in and out and a garbage can. I was almost in tears from the back pain after. I get really short and nasty when I am in pain, and I feel awful for those around me.

I just needed to get this off my chest before it becomes a more vicious feeling then it is.


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