There are so many things you learn/realize or simply acknowledge after so many hours of being awake. I’ve been awake just shy of 24 hours. This isn’t something I have had to deal with in a bit. I do take sleeping pills; insomnia has stalked me since I was a teenager. Only now as a adult, and as a drug free adult I should say, do I trust myself with such a responsibility to my recovery of addiction that I take something as such. Both my anxiety and sleeping medications are controlled substances. And I do have the ability to get high off of. Truth be told I abused Ambien and benzodiazepines in my addiction. And now I take them as I should as an adult. I take 10mg of Ambien a night, and I take 4mg of Ativan a day. I say this all to properly explain my mind set as I describe my evening of amusement, and questioning. I am not a functioning human with out my anxiety medication. I have been out for 3 days. I did not have $97 to obtain them since I lack insurance at this time. I finally broke down and asked my mother to help me. It made me feel so small. Though she was glad she could help me. My parents are wonderful. And by the time I realized the time I felt it far to late to take a sleeping pill. I must guarantee I can obtain 8 hours of sleep. Or I will nod out all day. Ok sorry I’m starting to get out of order and ramble. 24 hours of no sleep or anxiety constantly rising I’m very out of sorts. But still I digress. Let me get this back on track.
Lacking sleep anxiety pulling me under like an undertow this is what I have seen. My cats. They are furry little assholes to each other at 2, 4,and 7 am. Cat fights are not an enjoyable thing to break up no matter how much fucking sleep you’ve had. We are introducing a new cat to the brood and it’s not going well. TV can be addicting. I actually blasted through 2 seasons of Broadchurch on Netflix. I smoke WAY too much. I’m anxious I smoke. My voice is so shot right now. The setting I am in is a dirt floor basement with a hand built desk. A single florescent light. My laptop is down here as this is the only place in my house I can smoke.
Jesus I look a mess.
So As the silly things start to pan away as sleep continues to evade me, I start to think about my life. I am a month shy of 30, I live with my parents. (more complicated then I just cant take care of myself on my own, although that is a big part of it) I’m tattooed as I had a what I thought was a secure job and could indulge in such pleasures as decorating my body, septum pierced, ears gauged to a 1/2inch. I am fouled mouth, My daddy very muchly helped me to obtain out swear a sailor achievement by 15. to the discontentment of my mother. But I am a daddy’s girl. I am inappropriate, I make very dark humored jokes. I can seriously unnerve people. I am not professional. I know this. Yesterday I got a call back about a job. Its an administrative job…professional. Fuck me. How do I keep my mouth shut, how do I stop myself from honestly being an asshole when I open my mouth. I have been told on more then one occasion that I am a cold, abrasive and black hearted person. I’m jaded, I know it. I have experienced things in my addiction that have shaped me the way I am today. Next month will be a solid 8 years clean. I do indulge in an occasional glass of wine from time to time. I never get drunk or tipsy, I watch what time I am drinking compared to taking my medications. I never ever take a sleeping pill if I have had ANYTHING to drink that day. But its 8 solid years from stabbing myself with a needle multiple times a day to simply survive. I have left that life. I thought I was living now. But lately it feels more like surviving. I am fucked up still and now I am about to take on an entirely different admin role then my last job that was so laid back and i could go to work in a t-shirt with I dunno with a superhero shirt and a pair of old jeans and be fine.
Now is professional dress. I own nothing like that. I know this has seriously become a ramble but I have said before my thought process is a freight train as fast as it comes it can be pushed out by something new right away. I want to thank anyone who has made it this far. Thank you for reading, and listening. Sometimes I just need to know someone is listening to me. I am scared about this job. I am scared I will fuck it up like my last job…Because it was my own incompetence that lead to my being fired. I knew it was going to come when I did not get a raise that year, and everyone else got really good raises as the pot did not have to be split so many ways for our department. I’m also going from $12.20/hr at 40 hours a week. to $9/hr at 20 hours a week. And I know I am worth so much more then that. But I really have no other options to me right now. So I’m now going to prep up a shower mop my horrid kitchen floor and go to sleep. I have my back-round and drug test tomorrow. I need to be on top of my game. I know I can do this. Is what my mantra has been all day.
Thank you for taking the time to read these posts. It means the world to me when someone comments or just likes it. Thank you.