My Embarrassments

I know its been a very long time since I posted anything. I’ve been having a lot of issues and I’ve been isolating a lot.

Work is stressful but in a good way? I’ve learned a lot about myself and how far I will go to help someone. Even if like today it means being hit in the face with a lunch box, having my glasses ripped off my face and in the end this person hugged me and apologized. Which is the biggest mile stone accomplishment I have seen in her since I started 4 months ago. I honestly and truly love my job. But I have been having some serious personal issues.

My anxiety has been borderline explosive lately. And it is related to a condition I have called hyperhidrosis. Its is a disorder that causes excessive sweating. For most it will be underarms, feet and hands. Its started a few years ago with my underarms. I have a prescription based antiperspirant that works wonders, I use it twice a week and have no issues. But in the past year its now moved to my face and scalp. I will literally drip sweat from my face. Like it pools on the floor if I hang my head. With in minutes my hair is soaked. I look as though I just stepped out of the shower. Honestly I get out of the shower and I’m sweating. My office building is air conditioned to the point where my co workers wear hoodies, I have a fan at my desk. But I’m not always at my desk. I may be assisting an individual eating lunch, maybe assisting with toileting. I felt so bad for the lady I helped use the bathroom today. She non verbal but she looked at me with such a mix of disgust and sadness as I assisted her with getting re dressed. I felt disgusting. This is a daily issue I feel.

When the girls at work invite me to have drinks on a Friday after work its takes all of my courage to say yes as I know how I appear. Sometimes I think they are doing it just to be nice. But I feel like a freak. I’ve been invited to a co workers house this weekend for a cookout get together and I’m afraid to go and be embarrassed by my sweating. Seriously I feel like a sideshow attraction. No one has ever said anything to me except am I ok. I do my best to brush it off with humor and a joke about my weight. I make jabs at myself to keep others from doing it to me. I hate this.

There is a guy I really like that I’ve sorta been seeing and he has been so great about it. When we hang out in my room, I have the AC going and a box fan. He without complainant just curls up under my blankets and doesn’t say a word. He knows how sensitive I am about it. He even blasts the ac in his car for me. He is so thin do to having muscle dystrophy, but he ignores his own issues to make me feel ok. And that makes me feel worse. I see how cold he is. How much the cold causes him pain. But he still does it for me. I just want to feel normal. I’ve tried Primrose for the sweating treating it like early menopause. I’ve discussed surgery to cut the seat glands but I don’t want to force myself then to sweat on my lower back as that is the main side effect of said surgery.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wear dark colors as to not show my sweating. I try to hide in hoodies in the winter. I even shave half my head to keep cool as my hair is so thick. I have shaved half my head. 2 inches from ears down the underneath of my hair is buzzed and when I wear my hair down you would never even know I’m missing that much hair. But I always wear my hair up as it is easier to hide how wet it is. I just dont know what to do anymore. I want to hide all the time. I dont know if I will attend to this outing over the weekend. I will likely confide in the person whose house it is at and that I feel the most connected with at work. We joke all the time that she is my twin, and that I will be her in 25 years. And I pray that I am. She took to me as soon as I was hired. She showed me how to work with the individuals, to understand how they communicate in their own ways. Helps me when I cant understand what someone may be saying. She is compassionate and just amazing all around. I have never felt so close to a co worker before. I know I can trust her with telling her this. I’m just scared to say it allowed to someone in person.

And that is where I stand today. I will try and update this more. I dont know if anyone actually reads this. If you do, would you do my a great favor and leave me a message that you do and if I should keep posting. No feelings will be hurt if you say nothing. I will just keep my writing private on my computer.

Thank you.

Believe you are enough

So today was my first actual day at my job. The past week I was in training. I can not discuss my job much because of HIPPA laws. But I work in a day rehab for individuals with developmental disorders. So someone could have down syndrome, or be autistic, maybe they have cerebral palsy. They also may have mental health issues as well or not at all. The same individuals will come in everyday. I felt so comfortable there today. The staff members are so lovely, the individuals are so amazing as well. I was kind of on my  own today jut because there was so much going on today. So I really got to spend more time with the individuals that come in. I had a 20 min chat with someone about my cats. One who is so shy and does not like new people at all said hi to me and said I looked pretty. Despite some behavioral issues that came up today the day was great.

I felt like I was enough today.

I felt like everyone was glad I was hired, My coworkers are funny and love to joke around. No one is cranky, or mean. There was such a happy vibe in that place today. And I loved every second of it. I felt good to be enough. My most recent ex boyfriend once told me “Perhaps you’re not used to being enough, but you’re enough for me.” Well I wasn’t enough for him but those words always loomed in my head. The idea that I could be enough for someone. I have always brushed it away, but as I clocked out for the day, I felt the words and embarrassed them. I can in fact be enough for something today, and perhaps someday I will be enough for someone. But today was a good day. And i needed a good day.

Trust your heart, its not always lying to you….

 

Adulting

So I start my new job on Monday.I’ve been quite with posting caz’ I’m scared. What if I fuck this job up too. What if I cant handle the stress…what if, what if, what if.

What ifs will someday be my undoing. I keep trying to remember what a good friend told me. “You can do the thing, you can get the job. You can do anything.” She told me that right before they hired me. I know in my heart I can do this. But the nagging of failure is louder at this moment. I’ve spent the past few days trying to get prepared for this and its not been great. not awful, but not great either. When my mom gets home I’ll sit and have a chat with her. Shes always there for me. And can comfort me well. My dad is too, but in different ways. When he comforts me its more of a “you got this, dont worry about it, youll be fine, your tough” where my mom will be more gentle and soft with her words. I’ll need my dad tomorrow, today i need my mom.

Also my birthday is right around the corner and I’ll actually be 30. April is a tough month for a multitude of reasons. most I wish not to talk about. I have the right people to do that with. Right now I’m trying to take it a few hours at a time. And remember that I am not alone. I think today will be a cuddle pile of cats in my bed watching Dr Who. I need me an angry Scotsman to help the day pass. Also Pickles is demanding I cuddle. ANd this is a face i cant say no to.

Pickles

 

Limitations

I have limitations. I do not like them. I wish I could fix what hinders me, but I can not. They are both mental and physical. And you think the one I can touch would be the hardest, but its not. I accept my bi-polar, and my anxiety. I understand them, I respect my good and bad days. Its the physical I can’t deal with.

I have serve back issues. Laundry can floor me, climbing stairs. I have to pick something up as if its a heavy box, if I just lean over I strain my back. Which sends spasms down my spine. I have re injured my back to the point where I could not control my um bathroom needs. I think that’s a polite way to put it. Oh and I was in public. It was a horrifying experience and I’m grateful I have friends who don’t fear what may get on their car seats. Yay for mom friends. My injuries started when I was 19, And they have only gotten worse. These past 11 years I have tried desperately to appear as nothing is wrong with me. I mean for the first 4-5 years I was heavily addicted to opiates and the pain only flickered in like a candle flame.When it hit, I’d just shoot an extra bag, take an extra pill etc. Now I don’t have those things. There is nothing to take the pain away. And in those first years I did not take care of myself. Sleeping on park benches is not good for your back. And now I’m left with the damage I’ve induced upon myself.

I don’t qualify for surgeries, I currently don’t have a primary doctor, Which means its nearly impossible to get into some kind of pain treatment center, let alone physically therapy. Oh and no health insurance. I’m not trying to whine or obtain sympathy, I just feel weak. I was moping the kitchen floor just now, with a steam mop mind you. I moved 2 chairs in and out and a garbage can. I was almost in tears from the back pain after. I get really short and nasty when I am in pain, and I feel awful for those around me.

I just needed to get this off my chest before it becomes a more vicious feeling then it is.

Read this…and then read it again. Dont understand, I emplore you to read it again…

I have been absent for a bit. Perhaps missed and perhaps not. It doesn’t matter. I have spent a long time delving into my self and attempting to find my way. There were two things I have read that stuck me deeply. This is the first one. And this is very muchly geared to my generation, those of us who are coming into their second ability to vote. and voting here in the United States has never meant so much,  it has never help so much. One may crush us to nothing, one may loose sight of what when that power takes holds, and one may use it to feed their hunger. And I must say…I am afraid. so fucking afraid. my generation has lost hope. So please read this, top to bottom and then bottom to top. And as you mull this over I want you to read these lyrics from Saul Williams. And perhaps this will help you to stop and review your choice. See a new perspective. I am not here to tell you who to vote for, I am simply asking you to really look st the person you wish to vote for, or if your not sure, perhaps this may make you take a different look. So let us start. And i will slip this as well to show my own choice. and i encourage responses. Be polite, be adults. Discuss with me. this is the now.

Here is a satire but Otep on Donald Trump: (satire piece)

You wake up with a gun in your hand. A knife at your throat. A wound in your side.
The room is on fire and the roof is caving in.
You can’t move.
In the distance, there’s the sound of screaming.

Thus begins the sixteenth term of our Lord and Ruler, Sovereign of the Cosmos, Grand Vizier of the New Yuuuge Great-Again States, Exalted Commander of the Orange Shirts & Supreme Leader of all 52 branches of the New Yuuuge Great-Again Military, Builder of the Greater Wall, Keeper of the Law, Purger of the Land, King Scientist of All Sciences, The All-Seeing, All-Knowing, most incredible, amazing, Winningest Leader of All Time (you won’t even believe it) his Holiness… Immortan Don.

We praise his yuuugeness (yuuuugest ever) with every shallow breath we take for losing the wretched territories to the west. Death be upon them. For it is HE, Immortan Don, who saved us from them! Them, with their treachery of democracy. Them, with their evil idolatry of the sun, and wind, and water and the land. Them, with their false prophets who speak with curses on their tongue about equality for all and individual rights.

We praise Immortan Don for the Great War of Nation-States that saw our first, second, and third Great Walls destroyed by traitors and betrayers who fled our great republic to join the evil empire of the West. We praise Immortan Don for banishing them to the feral lands where forests are thick with life, scary life, uncontrollable life, where the oceans are terrifyingly blue, where the soil is rich and dark, and the wind remains invisible.

He has condemned the wicked Wretched West, beyond our fourth and final Greater Wall, to live every day of their wretched lives without ever witnessing the daily prayer briefings that our glorious Immortan Don beams from his ivory tower into every home, into every building, inside every room, on the streets, on the trains, everywhere, seriously, he is everywhere. All the time.

Nay, we thank Immortan Don (who is so yuuuuuge you won’t even believe it) for the sooty air, for the yellow sky, for the rusty oceans, for the barren hills. We thank Him for protecting us so we’d never be slaves under the iron heel of “common” sense. Nay, Immortan Don (who is so yuuuuuge) blesses us with uncommon sense, the rarest sense, a sense so amazing you won’t even believe it, a sense only HE can provide. For the Great Roundup of Year 3 where He purged our republic of any mutations, for creating a monochromatic citizenry that has eliminated the terrors of diversity.

We thank Immortan Don, yuuugest of the yuge, for keeping us safe from the perils of free will. “I know something about will and it isn’t free,” he says. And rightfully so. For it was HE, Immortan Don, (seriously, he’s just so terrific and amazing, you won’t even believe it) who WILLED our WILL into existence and loaned it to us with a meager 25% interest rate.

Indeed, we owe him everything. For it is HE, Immortan Don, (who gets standing ovations, seriously, people love him) that allows us to manufacture all our goods, anything and everything we need (deemed necessary by his Holiness) in the Great Corporation. His enemies, those liars and criminals, will say the Great Corporation TAKES from us but this is false. The Great Corporation GIVES to us because it was created FOR us by HIM. And thus we are paid in corporate credits that can only be used in the corporate stores of the Great Corporation and thus we can only live in housing owned by the Great Corporation, buy goods made by the Great Corporation. It’s great. It’s terrific. Not to mention how fantastic it is that WE pay HIM, Immortan Don, (seriously, he wins at everything) for the blessing of sacrificing our labor, 18 hours a day at the Great Corporation, even though we, the happy, healthy elated children of the New Yuuuge Great-Again States (trademark Immortan Don all rights reserved), would eagerly work 36 hours a day and 17 days a week if only given the chance. We also thank His Holiness, Immortan Don, for creating a smarter, more talented calendar built around a 39 hour day and 164 weeks a year. Because math is for suckers. Oh, he’s just so terrific.

We praise Immortan Don (just the smartest and brightest, I mean, seriously, manliest man ever, you wouldn’t believe it) for keeping the horrors of space hidden in the awesome, sterilizing smog belched from the iron towers of the Great Corporation (registered trademark Immortan Don, he’s so terrific). We praise Him for the healthy holy fluorescent lights that constantly illuminate our great republic, for the rusty water that springs forth from the belly of the Great Corporation, for keeping our air visibly gray so we remain grateful for every breath we take. For the Orange Shirts (His chosen private security) for keeping the bread lines orderly. We praise Him for our two, and only two, National Hospitals that do it better without competition. We praise Him for the decades of war he’s initiated because “fuck them” that’s why. For making pregnancy mandatory so every child can proudly serve in one of the 52 branches of our supremely invincible Military and work off their parents debts. We honor Him for rewriting every religious text so that it begins with his immaculate birth out of the side of his own ass. It is also our great honor for his selfless service to Medicine by personally selecting and providing monthly pelvic exams to some of our young women. How yuuuugely lucky they are, the chosen ones, may we see them again someday.

We thank Him, Immortan Don, (seriously more yuuuuge than you could possibly ever imagine) for relieving us from vaccines so that we can spot the weaker ones quicker. We praise Him for his daring vacations into the exotic wilds of the Wretched West every holiday and during our bleak winters so He can remind us just how terrible it is over there, where the liars and criminals grow soft and fat and stupid for believing that health is wealth.

And we thank Him, Immortan Don, (he’s just done an amazing job, seriously, you won’t even believe it) for making everything, and we mean everything, so great again, for being a winner and for helping US to keep on winning. We thank Him for removing doubt, for challenging us with double-talk and divine confusion. For reminding us who our enemies are, the Wretched THEM (wherever THEY may lurk), for assaulting our unnatural sense of decency and dignity because He knows better than anyone because He says so. We thank Him for being so yuuuge we cant even believe it, for his eloquent declarations that he does more before breakfast than most of us will do in a lifetime. We thank Him, endlessly, for telling us what’s true and what’s not. We thank Immortan Don for liberating our fears and nightmares into reality so we don’t have to endure them alone.

We wake up with a fright. A choice to be made. A moment to seize. A future to build.
The room is smoldering. The roof is bowing.
Do you move or lay still?
In the distance, there’s the sound of cheering.

Still here, thank you…this read forward feel small build yourself up and read it bottom to top. And feel helpful, and must of all hopefull.

lost gen

 

And now I end this with Saul Williams. Ignore color. Please just see people as people.

Are you afraid to have someone believe in you?
Can you commit to your ideals?
Even if you think nothing of it
Are you willing to allow others to think the world of it
And of you?
Pedagogue of Young Gods

All slavery ever does is free you
All anyone ever does is an example
All power is just collective energy
To abuse the privilege is to sell your soul
And that is to rent with the illusion of owning

We are the landlords
If you misunderstand us
You’re dead and deserve your demise
Your dominion is your overthrow
The controllers are controlled
Spread the word, it will save you
And depends on you to be understood

There is no school bell, only nursery
Our heroes reward us with stars
Ever-still, ever-moving
We sing to ourselves in our cars
Music is our sanctuary
Anywhere you put it it’s ours
Our living voice, our living testament
We dream aloud, we scream and shout

Our courage will defeat them
Our struggle will unite us
Our wisdom is ourselves, our resources our own
Our blood ocean, our skin oil
We are mountain and waterfall
They cannot contain us
Their prisons will not restrain us
Their customs will not un-name us
We are what they know in their hearts
You guessed it, you knew that
You felt it, you tried to doubt it
Denied it, but you knew it
Ain’t nobody had to tell you
We had them from the start

A world apart, a world within
Ancient and luminous
The before before and the hereafter
We are the essence of laughter
The comforting prayer and the gatekeepers
And the street-sweepers
A mountain of ports outside of a city of dreams
A bird that prays, yet offers its wingspan to the wind
Things are not as they seem
We hover above while giving the appearance of scurrying below

All is as it should be
We are more than we know
More than we hoped and dreamed
A generation of generators
A power source and supply

The better we learn to live
The better we learn to die
Old as anything, old as everything
We are participants in a ritual
Older than our collective memory
A marriage of heart and mind
Secular and divine

All is as it should be
Slavery carefully bred us
No child of Greece or Rome can behead us
We are ahead of our time
Slavery was simply a state of mind
Hip-hop reminded us of confidence
Overcoming now is simply common sense

You deserve the ice and the riches of Solomon
But don’t let warped values turn you into hollow men
Education is the only thing given that cannot be taken
Learn to think for yourself, analyze the forsaken

Pimp your fears, surrender to love
Dance all night when you need to
Play this song for a thug, let ’em know ain’t no judgment
We all hustle and grind
Any system against us is against the divine
But there’s no sense of glory in repenting
And repeating their mistakes
You have a greater calling
Answering it is all it takes
Take a second to hear this and go back about your day
Know that laws don’t govern us, we’re governed by what we say
What we think, why we think it, how we handle
Place no blame, point no fingers, take your aim

Shoot to kill
The bullshit

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

Enter Inspirational Title Here

I haven’t wanted to write much. All though I have so much to say, yet I am empty.

I spent less then 10 minutes at Sean’s memorial. I could not be around all the drinking and assumable drugs there. Also I know there is bitterness between myself and others. Drugs make us into monsters, and monsters do terrible things.

I remember my monster very well. I don’t know if its possible to forget her. Even if I tried. She looks back at me in the mirror, shes stalks my dreams. There will always be the knowing of what I have the capability to become. I will always have my demons. I can run from, that part of my life as much as I want, but something will always bring me back and remind me. It’s always the death of a friend, an acquaintance, or a child of a friend. Death always pulls people back. There are too many people who read this that I can not go into great detail of how I am feeling today. But I will be ok, I have so many people who love me despite of myself.

This quote keeps popping up in my mind, and I know its true, because I have.

love.jpg

I don’t think I can write anymore today. I think I will just make some tea and end my night. Its been a painful day of memories I did not want to remember. My heart feels a little more black today…

I’m speachless

Another friend died today from drugs. I am in awe, and I am heartbroken. Im just gonna leave this post from my facebook here caz I dont know what else to do….May you find some kinda of comfort now that this is over. With all my love, Sean. I will miss you.

 

image1

I know I will regret this I’m sure but I need to say it before I respond to someones post and lose my shit. Forewarn, this is a rant.

I have been seeing a ton of posts lately about heroin and addiction and I have to say something. I am aware how insane this is right now. If you asked me 8 years ago if this is how I thought things would be I would have laughed saying “there’s no way heroin would get this popular and cause such havoc”. Seriously, shit was hard to come by when I was using. Or perhaps so it seemed, but it was never easy to score a hit. It is an epidemic, and its horrifying. The amount of people that have passed away in the last 2 weeks to an overdose is probably one of the most unsettling things I have seen in a really long time. But this blame the addict and talk shit about people with addiction has to stop. If you have friends that are using, try and get them help. Please do not just shame someone because they have an addiction problem. Please do not assume you know what its like. I want to smack the people who claim they had a little problem in high school but are fine now and cant understand why so and so isn’t. Because you are not that person. You have no fucking idea what it is like to be that person. Who do not know how they feel, you do not know what their life is like. Do not place judgment or claim “to know” if you don’t. I lost years of my life to my addiction. And though I have been clean for as long as I have it is something I still have to deal with daily. Just because I haven’t put a needle in my arm in 8 years doesn’t mean my addiction issues are gone. I still eat too much, or smoke too much. My addiction effects all areas of my life. It effects every decision I make.
Look I’m not asking anyone to ignore the issue at hand. The issue is that there is a drug problem of absurd proportion in this area. We need to help people not hinder them. And it is not easy to get help. The amount of red tape you go throw to get into a rehab or a detox is insane. And that’s part of it, but people need help after the drugs are gone. Relapse is a part of my story, if you are friends with me you know my story and I don’t need to repeat to you here now. But getting the after help was harder then getting off the drugs. There is shame and despair that can be so crippling after the drugs are gone. And for me it was worse then what I felt when I was using, and it was bad then. No one knows what it was lie for me, because no one is me. People who have an idea, is because I shared with them. I went to meetings with people who thought like I did, who knew the things I went through, because at some point, so did they. Please like go of the stigma: once a junkie always a junkie. Its bullshit. Complete bullshit. Have some compassion, show someone some love, and accept that people will stop when they are ready…not you.
End of my rant. To anyone who is offended, too bad. And to my friends who work as EMTs, my friends who are nurses, I love you all. I know your job is hard, and emotionally taxing. But I thank you, because for every 10 addicts you deal with one will make a change. I was that one, thank you for the love and hope you bestowed upon me when I did not deserve it. To those who are using, please reach out for help. Life is better on this side of the fence I promise. The work is hard, and painfully but the gifts that will come are amazing.